Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate