Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
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the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”