Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
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Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants