Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count