Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.