dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
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the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
about to have the best blueberries of my life
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
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When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.