Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.