Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.