Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.