Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
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Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Social distancing in Australia:
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?