“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
hmm conte-me mais
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Spoiler Alert: I was late
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
That’s what I call a flat tire
