@somelightcrying

DUDE: first of all

ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point

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@spikeWilton67

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

@SondraDeeMe

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

@thespacewad

If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.

@JoshuaFlail

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

@BuckyIsotope

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

@shopkins776

*Lying in hospital

Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again

Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

@sarcasticmommy4

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

@LizHackett

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.