Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
DUDE: first of all
ME: oh shit this dude’s about to make more than one point
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Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
If your parents say, “You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up”, remind them that they’ll have to die for you to be Batman.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
*Lying in hospital
Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again
Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip
You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.