“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
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I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
oppen heimer style lol
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Siri: Retweet me.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job