Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.