“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
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me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
The government even made aliens boring
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*