Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
the answer to ‘who hurt you’ is usually ‘my front facing camera’
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.