Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
You better wish for more oil
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame