Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night

mom: that was actually your father

me: *tearing up* omg does dad know

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET