Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I can also cook 😂
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
That’s no pocket rocket.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time