Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something