Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Damn, girl are you Twitter?
Because I can’t stop staring at you and saying stupid things.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
date: what do you do
me: im a doctor
date: oh that’s cool
me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.