Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

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Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.


I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.


Damn, girl are you Twitter?

Because I can’t stop staring at you and saying stupid things.


She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”


All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.


date: what do you do

me: im a doctor

date: oh that’s cool

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] an unlicensed and terrible doctor


Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.


Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.