Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
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[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Deer are just ballerina dogs
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.