Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
huge if true: the moon
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.