dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.