dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.