@Kristen_Arnett

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

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@koalaslament

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

@LostFelicia

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

@Book_Krazy

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

@tracylynn0220

I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home. 🤷🏻‍♀️🧁

@OutOfLeftField_

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

@notshivi

The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”

@robin_991

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember