“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[First day as a surgeon]
[Last day as surgeon]
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.