Me as a dad
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home. 🤷🏻♀️🧁
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The year is 2075.
A student asks how World War 3 began.
The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember