dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.