dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
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I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Still my favourite meme.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.