Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
You Might Also Like
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs