Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.

Good news: I’m going to live to 157.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.

Apparently my superpower is being invisible.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table