Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
That was easy.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
