dude it’s called proctologist
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?