dude it’s called proctologist
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Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
He has no idea 🤡
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Smells like a challenge to me
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.