dude it’s called proctologist
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I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
when unicorns get really drunk
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.