dude it’s called proctologist
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
notice
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6