dude it’s called proctologist
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Said the murderer.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now