Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
then why did i get this email
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.