Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.