Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
They must have gotten it to go.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
boys are so easy to impress
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Okay me first
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.