Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?