Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

😂🍻

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”