@treydayway

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

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@GoodBadThing

Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.

@midwestern_ope

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

@sixthformpoet

If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.

@dadopotamus

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

@NicholasPegg

Retweet if you are using Snapchat’s new Snap Map location feature to hunt down straight men and turn them gay.

@ThisOneSayz

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@TheQuietPsycho

Find a person who wants to do everything w you…

…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life