Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
my dad has had enough
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*