Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
If you watch Twitter backwards, it’s about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Retweet if you are using Snapchat’s new Snap Map location feature to hunt down straight men and turn them gay.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
The struggle is real.