Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.