Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.