dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Care for your back
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Only short people can save us
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat