dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”