dude killed a sea lion with his bike
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ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.