Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women