Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
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Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”