Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
You Might Also Like
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!