Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
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Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.