Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
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Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same