Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My purse is deeper than some people.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it