@ReaIlyHighGuy

Dude, multiplication is like advanced adding.

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@daemonic3

The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

@mommajessiec

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

@Bob_Janke

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

@Laser_Cat

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

@Gupton68

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@melliemeow

I have on my new shoes today. They are so cute, and comfortable, as long as I don’t stand in them or walk in them.

@KMoFlo_official

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*