Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
me when I see my crush
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.