Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
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Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Short story
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”