Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

These are my roll models.

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.