Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fun9jibWYAEsfWD.mp4

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

My favorite female superhero

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Saturday

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

The little toadstool has spoken.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

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