Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
pizza
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.