Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Post Malone’s oreo’s are really lovely and i hope everyone gets to try one [remembering about terrorists] except terrorists of course
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*