Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
awkward
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.