Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
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this is what they would have looked like, though
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Bruh PLEASE
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice