Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy