Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
5 ways to appear taller
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?