“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
How it started: How it’s going:
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa