Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
so much to do
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell