Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

me: do you serve crabs here?

waiter: yes, we do

my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did

I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.