Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

[Inside every wolf]

Me: Hey.

Me: Oh, hey.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.