Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.