Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
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Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Succinctly put.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
