Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
❤️❤️❤️
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.