Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

sistine chapel