Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

😂😂

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.